THE MOST BOTHERSOME, IRKSOME THINGS. - KORY WOOD
I try to keep my complaining to a minimum. It seems that with the onslaught of the blogosphere, all writers have become just a school of piranhas floating about the internet. But, one day, I was eating out, and I ordered this salad, and it was just horrid. I mean, awful. Everything that did not belong on lettuce was thrown into this recipe. It was the Elton John of salads. If the conflict in the Middle East could have been symbolized in a serving of tossed veggies, this would have been it.
Anyway, I realized, then and there, that (A) weird salads really annoy me, and (B) there are quite a few things that just bug the be-whoozits out of me. Thus, having already descended into my entirely-annoyed state, I sat down and made a list of everything that bothers me. Call me easily irritated, perpetully pestered, or what have you. I need to get this off my chest (and this will be followed up by a list of things that I really like, I promise, so that I am not a hypocritic piranha). If I leave anything off the list, it's because I wasn't particularly bothered by it at the time of this essay's conception.
2. People surrounding me who don't have any goals or aspirations.
3. People surrounding me who have goals or aspirations that are obviously and blatantly unrealistic, but you can't say anything to them because they'll shrivel down into a human tumbleweed and blow away with the wind.
4. Mediocrity (in the words of my father, "If you're going to suck, be the suckiest.")
5. Music Videos. I'm sorry, but I just can't see what's going on.
6. Linebackers who tackle the running back after a 3-yd. gain, then celebrate like they just cured cancer or ended the war on terror or something.
7. People who go golfing with me for their very first time, and birdie the first hole. Ooh! That makes me mad.
8. Sopranoes who think everything is funny except for that joke you just made about them.
9. The Boils of Pride (this might not make sense, but just picture someone who is covered in boils, and if anyone bumps them, it causes them excruciating pain. Some people are like this, only they aren't literally covered in boils. They're just easily offended.)
10. Bad poetry that is posing as good poetry.
11. Guns in general (unless that makes you mad at me, in which case, see number 9 again).
12. Canned fruit.
13. People who use the phrases (pardon my keyboard) "Shut up!" and "S*e*w You!" and "I'm pi**ed off!"
14. Any question thrown in my direction before I have been awake for an hour. This one makes me really grumpy just writing it....
15. Old people in my college classes that contribute too much and visibly annoy the professor.
16. Awkward jokes at the beginning of speeches. Just roll right into the meat of it, man! No one wants to hear about lawyers or BYU football or what you thought when your Bishop called you.
17. Single girls who don't want to talk to me just because they're single and don't want to give off "that vibe."
18. "That vibe."
19. The Ruination of the Sacred Hymns. They're golden the way they're written. No need to add a drum track/machine gun vibrato/oft'-arpeggio-ed piano part to them.
20. Writers who think that any good writing has to "deal with issues the people aren't ready to hear, man." If I want to hear good writing, I'm going to watch Sesame Street, thank you very much.
21. Socks that have more holes in them than a Chinese newspaper.
22. Faucets that, upon being turned on, spray past the lip of the sink and soak the entire front of your pants, thus enabling those people who struggle in developing original humor to make comments like "Hey! You wet your pants!" Yes, thank you.
23. People who struggle in developing original humor (i.e. - "You started shaving? Boy, I could just put some milk on that and let the cat lick it off!", or "I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.", or pretty much any quote from a Monty Python movie).
24. English/Political Science majors who think that society would greatly benefit from a study of themselves.
25. Missed free throws. Dangit, c'mon!
26. That girl in class who does all the homework and has the best grade and aces the test but couldn't tell you anything about what it means.
27. Contrived spontenaity and forced randomization.
28. Trying to spell spontenaity...naety...tanaeitey....
29. People who think that music is only good if the lyrics are good.
30. People who think that music is only good if the music is good.
31. People who think that music is only good if Neil Diamond sings it.
32. The fact that I have to number this list. I'm so obsessive sometimes.
33. People who can't hear a question asked without answering it, even if it isn't directed at them.
34. The Talented-But-Tactless.
35. Being stuck in a vehicle that only plays late-90's pop music. It's like being stranded in the desert with a bag of Tootsie Rolls.
36. That angry older guy that shows up for the pick-up basketball game and calls fouls on every drive, then gets in a fight with someone.
37. Being the only person in the room who knows who Gary Hart is.
38. Bees. They know what they did.
39. Bands like (I'm sorry!) Journey, Boston, Kansas, Styx, Rush. They're not bad, they're not great. See number 4. And, if you don't agree with me, read number 9 again.
40. Being the lone manatee in a sea of dolphins.
And, finally, number 42..........I don't really know. But I'm sure I'll wake up at 3:00 A.M. this morning screaming, "AAAGGGHHH!!! I forgot to put______on the list!!! I absolutely hate that....."
Feel free to add on to this list. I would love to hear your opinions, unless I disagree with them, in which case I will haughtily glance over them and fail to reply.
Boy, do I feel better.